“Hey Jane, what’s up? Long time no see!”

“Hey Darby. Yes. Long time! How are you?”

“Doing good. And you? When is the wedding?” I said jokingly. I’m sure she’s engaged. Rumors.

“If God willing, next year!” she answered.

“How’s your ministry?” I asked. I have known Jane since God knows when and she’s really dedicated to the missions and other church ministries.

“I now handle the Young Adult’s ministry”, she answered. My faith shifted this year. I went on to a different spiritual path..very different from the faith I grew up with. I’m a bit jealous that they have been grounded to their beliefs. I can say that I love my faith now. But I know that the Mr. overly-obsessed-with-order version of me,  is longing for a safe ground and a defined path as far as spirituality is concerned.

As I reflected on what I have done this 2013 and the search I went through and the continuous deconstruction of my faith, I realized that all is just a cycle. Nothing is stable… even spirituality. And as much as I want that order, I can’t. Because the real order in this universe is actually chaos, which is neither beautiful nor ugly. I realized that I have to make peace with that fact.

My faith will always be in a cycle. High. Low. Nirvana. Samsara. Heaven. Hell. It should be that way. Embracing everything is the key. Understanding is the higher road.

This 2014, I want to stop seeking and start understanding. If I cannot understand, I will seek. If I cannot seek, I will understand.

Happy New Year to all!


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